So Does This Mean We Signed that Petition for Nothing?

Paris Hilton's lawyers finally realized that looking like a whiny little bitch wasn't really helping her public image and penned a (very convincing) statement of, well, not apology really. "She" (read: Paris's flack) never says she's sorry for drinking and driving or driving on a suspended license. Because actually saying, "I'm sorry" would make Paris Hilton look human. When we all know that she's actually an imposter from the planet Xargon (where all beings are limited to a thirty-word vocabulary) sent to Earth to destroy our culture with vacuousness. We're kind of surprised the breathalyzer didn't catch that, actually.

Taking a cue from George Michael's heartfelt plea yesterday, Paris released this statement:

"After reading the media's coverage of my court hearing, I feel the need to correct what I believe are misperceptions about me. I absolutely realize how serious driving under the influence is. I could not live with myself if anyone was injured or killed while I was driving while impaired. Clearly, no one should - no matter how slightly. I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation. No one is above the law. I surely am not. I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation. However, my hope is that I will not be treated worse."

Very impressive, Paris. Using big, scary words like misperceptions and consequences must have been hard. Did you have to pick up a really, really heavy dictionary? Were you really confused when you turned to the Ks and couldn't find konsekwentses? Ah, whatever. We know Paris didn't write it. She was probably at Kitson while her lawyers composed it. There's no way a girl who has to pay someone to read her mail could do that. If she can't even read "You may have already won $10,000,000! Love, Ed McMahon," there's no way she could string together eight entire sentences without any mistakes.

Keira Knightley Is Dirty

We love Keira Knightley and her delightful "Fuck You" attitude. She's kind of like Amy Poehler's one-legged trailer-trash character who always says, "Yeah, I farted. Jealous?" We can definitely see Keira breaking wind during an especially intense Orlando Bloom makeout scene and thinking it's the sexiest damn thing she's ever done. Plus, it would add to the heady aroma she's cultivated:

“I don’t shower enough. My natural smell is rather musky. Coco Mademoiselle is the first women’s perfume I’ve ever worn. I need something clean.”

Yes, Keira, Coco Mademoiselle may have a scent that can be described as "clean," but that doesn't mean it's a substitute for actually cleaning yourself. So, to tally up Keira's movie-star qualities: has terrible acned skin that has to be digitally fixed in her movies, smells like flowers after they've been freshly fertilized with a big mound of cow shit, resembles the skeleton hanging in your tenth-grade science class, swears more than your Grand Theft Auto addicted nephew. Why, she's the second coming of Audrey Hepburn for sure!

David Beckham (*clears throat, uh hum*) Adjusting Himself…

David Beckham was caught adjusting himself during a training session with Real Madrid over the weekend. Is he REALLY doing that right in the middle of the field?! Well then…

Jiblets: Gisele Bundchen Loves Food, Hates Smoking, Bar Rafaeli

• Did Vicky's fire Gisele Bundchen because of her hefty paycheck? Or because she was Bitchy McDiva?

• See Kate Moss like you've never seen her before.

• Escort-turned-journalist Jeff Gannon gets inspired by McG, becomes event coordinator for the International Bible Reading Association.

• Ron Burkle sues Anne Hathaway's boyfriend for more money than you could possibly imagine. Or, in Burkle's words, "enough to buy a low-grade mansion."

• Stephen Colbert gives Rep. Tom Davis a much-needed lesson on "doobies."

• Bravo searches for Tim Gunn's sidekick. The ideal candidate will be a fashionably dressed fag hag who knows how to "make it work."

R.I.P Anna Nicole Smith

Former Playboy playmate Anna Nicole Smith died today (Thursday 8th October 06) after collapsing in her Florida hotel room - according to her lawyers. Details of her death is few but CNN has most of the story covered.

“I can confirm that she is deceased. It’s as shocking to me as to you guys,” Smith’s attorney, Ronald Rale, told Reuters. “I don’t know anything further. [Her lawyer and husband] Howard [K. Stern], obviously, is speechless and grieving.”

Smith’s private nurse called Seminole Hard Rock Hotel workers at 1:38 p.m. and security went to the room, Seminole Police Chief Charlie Tiger told reporters.

She was taken to Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood at 2:10 p.m. where she died.

An autopsy is scheduled for Friday. Until then, my prayers go out to the Smith family for their loss.

Pamela Anderson, Every Man, Woman, and Mammal on Earth Want to See Scarlett Johansson's Bobbies

Pam Anderson wants to see Scarlett Johansson's big, bouncy bazooms. That's quite a bold statement, Pam. Are you sure you want to go out on a limb like that? Next thing you know you'll be making controversial statements like, "Puppies are cute," or "Cupcakes are yummy," or "I have rather large breasts." People start wars over those kind of hot-button issues.

Hugh Hefner, having failed to nab any young Hollywood starlets with his withered octogenarian penis in quite some time, has turned to his friends to entice his most desired subjects to doff their duds. First up, Scarlett Johansson. Celebitchy reports:

Pamela Anderson believes the Lost In Translation star would be ideal for Hugh Hefner’s raunchy publication.

She says, “Scarlett Johansson would definitely be my number one choice. But I doubt she would agree to do it.

“On the other hand it’s kind of cool to be on the cover of Playboy, but on the other hand, for many actresses, it’s not at all.”

Sometimes it's cool, but then sometimes it totally sucks, but then other times it's just kind of so-so. And sometimes it's day, but then sometimes it's night. God, Pam. You sound like Lindsay Lohan. You're old enough to have an opinion. Especially if that opinion includes loving Scarj's rack. Because that can never be wrong.

'OK!' triumphs in battle of the Zeta Jones wedding snaps

The celebrity magazine OK! has won a long-running court battle with its glossy rival Hello! after a row over pictures of the wedding of Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas.

The House of Lords ruled yesterday that Hello! had breached OK!'s confidentiality when it published unauthorised photographs of the ceremony at New York's Plaza Hotel in November 2000.

The Hollywood couple and OK! first sued Hello! when it published pictures taken secretly at the wedding by a photographer posing as a guest or waiter.

When the case came to court in 2003, Mr Justice Lindsay ruled that Hello! had acted "unconscionably" by publishing the unauthorised photographs. The judge said the snatched photographs, taken by Rupert Thorpe, son of the former Liberal leader Jeremy Thorpe, had been obtained by "misrepresentation or subterfuge" and said the "intrusion" was a breach of the Press Complaints Commission code of conduct. In that ruling, the Douglases and OK! were awarded £1m damages, but this was quashed after Hello! successfully went to the Court of Appeal in May 2005. Yesterday's decision means the damages award will now be reinstated.

Three out of five Law Lords found in OK!'s favour over confidentiality but lawyers for Hello! said the victory was pyrrhic because the court also found that Hello! had not knowingly injured OK!'s business. That meant, said lawyers, the estimated £8m costs of the case were expected to be shared by the two magazines.

The £14,600 damages awarded to Douglas and his wife by the High Court for the distress and inconvenience that the Hello! coverage caused them was not challenged at the Court of Appeal.

Hello! argued during the five-day hearing at the House of Lords that any confidentiality ceased after OK! published its own coverage of the wedding while OK! claimed that Hello!'s coverage was unlawful interference with its business or a breach of its right to confidentiality in the images.

Lord Hoffmann said OK! had paid £1m for the benefit of confidence imposed on everyone at the wedding regarding any photographs taken, and "I cannot see why they were not entitled to enforce it." He said other law lords who heard the case were troubled by the fact that the images were not intended to be kept secret but to be published by OK! But Lord Hoffmann said: "I see no reason why there should not be an obligation of confidence for the purpose of enabling someone to be the only source of publication if that is worth paying for." He said it would not create "an image right" - the information was being protected not because it concerned the Douglases or their private life but simply because it was information of commercial value.

Lord Nicholls and Lord Walker rejected the confidentiality claim but Baroness Hale and Lord Brown allowed the appeal. Lord Brown said: "Having paid £1m for an exclusive right, it seems to me that OK! ought to be in a position to protect that right and to look to the law for redress were a third party intentionally to destroy it."